How Assuming I’m Selfish Helped My Relationships
A lot of things get said on social media that don’t amount to much. But every once in a while, you come across an idea that sticks with you and changes your perspective.
That happened to me when I stumbled across a tweet by Tim Keller, a pastor who leads a thriving church of over 5,000 people in New York City—a place not exactly known for being selfless. His words resonated deeply, and judging by the thousands of retweets, I wasn’t the only one:
Although I’m not married, the idea struck a chord. After all, every relationship—whether it’s with friends, family, coworkers, or a spouse—is affected by how selfishly (or selflessly) we choose to behave.
So, I decided to test it out.
The Experiment: Is It Me?
Here’s what I did: every time I felt frustrated in a relationship—when someone said or did something (or didn’t do something)—I paused and asked myself a few questions:
Is it possible I’m just being selfish?
Could I adjust my expectations instead of expecting them to change their behavior?
Is there something I could do to strengthen this relationship instead of contributing frustration or negativity?
Most of the time, the answer was yes.
The Results: A Shift in Perspective
What I discovered was both humbling and eye-opening. When I acknowledged the possibility of my own selfishness, a few things happened:
I started to see things more clearly.
It’s amazing how much your own selfishness can cloud your perception of someone else’s actions. What initially felt like an irritation or oversight often turned out to be nothing more than my own unrealistic expectations.I became more grateful.
Recognizing my own selfish tendencies made me far more aware of the selfless actions of others—the ways they showed up, supported me, or made sacrifices. Suddenly, I noticed little acts of kindness I’d previously taken for granted. Acknowledging my own selfishness made the selflessness of others more noticable.
I wanted to be better.
Seeing the selflessness of others inspired me to step up my own game. Gratitude has a way of motivating you to be more generous, patient, and kind.
What This Doesn’t Mean
Now, let me be clear: this approach isn’t about taking responsibility for someone else’s unhealthy or dysfunctional behaviour. There are relationships where the issue isn’t your selfishness but the other person’s toxicity, and those situations require healthy boundaries, not self-blame.
But in the context of healthy relationships, assuming I might be the selfish one turned out to be a powerful way to strengthen those connections.
The Takeaway: Gratitude and Growth
Am I now a perfect person to know or live with? Definitely not. But by pausing to consider my own selfishness, I’ve become more motivated to improve my relationships and more thankful for the people in my life.
As Keller’s tweet suggests, that’s a good prospect for great things.
So, here’s a question for you:
What might happen in your relationships if you started by asking, “Is it me?”