One Crucial Component of Leading Yourself Well
Living a deliberate life starts with leading yourself well. And one of the most critical aspects of self-leadership is learning to manage your emotions.
As Matthew Aaron Perman puts it in What’s Best Next:
“Managing ourselves well is foundational to all we do…our ability to lead, manage, spend undistracted time with friends and family, and do everything else we do depends largely upon a skill that goes underneath all of those things and makes them all possible—the cross-functional skill of knowing how to manage ourselves.”
It’s not just about managing your time or priorities, though those matter. It’s about managing your internal world—your thoughts and emotions.
The question is: Are you simply listening to your emotions, or are you speaking to them as well?
When to Listen to Your Emotions
Sometimes, your emotions are signaling something important. They may be alerting you to a deeper truth or a situation that requires action.
For instance:
Processing loss: Your emotions might be telling you that something significant has ended and you need to acknowledge it.
Seeking support: When you feel overwhelmed, your emotions might be prompting you to reach out for help.
Setting boundaries: If someone’s behaviour is crossing a line, your emotions can alert you to establish healthy limits.
In moments like these, listening to your emotions is vital. But not every feeling accurately reflects reality.
When to Question Your Emotions
Sometimes, our emotions don’t align with the truth. They may be distorted by factors that we’re not consciously aware of. That’s when it’s important to ask questions like:
Biological: Am I tired, hungry, or stressed? Is my physical state influencing how I feel?
Mental: Am I interpreting this situation correctly, or am I jumping to conclusions?
Environmental: Are external circumstances amplifying my emotions? Does this remind me of something else, even if it’s not the same?
When emotions aren’t a proportionate reflection of reality, it’s time to challenge them.
Speaking to Your Emotions
You don’t have to passively accept every feeling as truth. Instead, you can speak to your emotions by:
Acknowledging your feelings but not letting them define your perspective.
Reminding yourself of truth—whether that’s about the situation, your values, or your capabilities.
Reframing the narrative to focus on the positive aspects of a situation instead of dwelling on the negatives.
By actively speaking to your emotions, you can shift your inner dialogue and respond in ways that align with your goals and values.
Leading Your Emotions Through Action
Here’s the fascinating part: your actions don’t just follow your emotions—your actions can shape your emotions.
Dr. Noam Shpancer explains it this way:
“Many people assume that the link between emotion and behaviour is one-way: Emotions shape behaviour. This view is incorrect. In fact, the relationship is reciprocal. Much of the time, behaviour actually shapes emotion.”
In other words, feelings often follow behaviour.
Want to strengthen a relationship? Act lovingly, even if you feel frustrated.
Want to overcome self-doubt? Take professional, disciplined actions that reinforce your confidence.
Want to feel more gratitude? Choose actions that celebrate the blessings in your life, even when you’re feeling dissatisfied.
By acting in alignment with the emotions you want to cultivate, you can lead your feelings instead of being led by them.
The Power of Leading Your Inner Life
Your emotions are one of the most powerful forces shaping your decisions, relationships, and contributions. When you learn to manage them well—listening when they reflect truth, questioning when they don’t, and leading them through deliberate action—you equip yourself to live with greater clarity, purpose, and impact.
So here’s the question:
What’s one step you can take this week to lead your emotions instead of being led by them?